I want to strive to be the best at the things that I am passionate about.  On the other hand the things I am not passionate about I am completely content with being mediocre, as long as I am trying hard enough.  I know the Bible says to do everything as if you are doing it for the Lord, but is it considered good enough for the Lord if you end product is mediocre?  I think it is, as long as you are putting forward enough effort.  This leads me in to thinking about people who are really good at something but do not get the recognition that someone who is the best may get.  For example, I was watching game 4 of the NBA finals and I saw that the Celtics Bench team pretty much won that game for them while a lot of the starters were resting.  Now in order to play in the NBA you need to be a  phenomenal basketball player, I recognize this but you don’t ever really see them spotlighting Nate Robinson (Celtics Bench) over Kevin Garnett (Celtics starter) on ESPN.  These guys are far from mediocre as well, and the games can not all be won without these supporting players.  This leads me into life, some people can not be successful at a lot of things in life unless they have those supporting players to be there for their lives.  So possibly all in all being mediocre may not be what some people are, they may be ridiculously good at what the do, just not the best, I still think they deserve the recognition that the peoplewho are the best get, because sometimes those people who are the best can not be the best without those who may not be the best…bit of a tongue twister I know.  Do you think that people who may be considered mediocre, may not actually be mediocre but extraordinary?

With Father’s day being near I decided to share a quite raw and somewhat brutal piece I wrote about My father about 8 months ago…It’s harsh, it’s rough but it’s hopeful.  I know I have written about him before but I have just felt led that this is what I was supposed to post tonight.  Please try to understand the hope in this piece…

New Balance

Dead-beat waste of life, uneducated, hopeless, withering soul, substance absorbing seed donor.  You see my papa was a rolling stone.  With no high school diploma he successfully had four children with two different women.  Typical black man, right?  The man loves that white meat, he preys on their insecurities.  His once found confidence was to die for, but was backed with nothing.  To resist his dark skin and alluringly wicked charm was hard to do, his words were convincing but riddle with shame and misfortune.  He has a love for music and has an unlimited catalog of musical knowledge.  A dreamer with no dreams he strikes rhythms to hopefully go somewhere.  That somewhere took him to years of swallowing, inhaling and absorbing into the hole in his chest.  The man did this to himself.  Now I have to live life scared to the point of shakes that I will inherit these addictions.  Whispering promises is something he has been wonderful at, but if he shouted his promises he would be liable to let down more than just his children.  Waiting by the door looking out the window for his arrival that never came are some of my best memories of him.  The butterflies I would stomach when he would say, “I’m on my way to see you” are ones that will never return, for they are forever stuck in their chrysalis that is so hard to break through from years of disappointment.  Perhaps I should try to remember something better, like the walks we would go on together to the liquor store when he would get himself a tall boy of Budweiser and buy me a little bottle of Sunkist and a bag of cheese doodles.  My pulse stops when remembering the sound of his staggered footsteps and the look of his new balance sneakers when the sun would strike the reflector on the N in the middle of the sneaker as he would drink the tallboy wrapped in the wrinkled brown-bag on the walk back home.  The stale smoke and grilled cheese scent of my short stayed childhood home is one that haunts my memory, but whenever I have visited that place I still felt at home.  I would wonder if he loved the “boy down the street” more than me as he would push me to play drum beats that were too difficult for my 4 year-old frame.  With a can in his hand he would threaten me to the “whoopin’ chair” if I couldn’t play as good as he.  That is when he was there.

I remember looking to the sidelines of my soccer games seeing proud fathers cheering their children to victory, as my mother tried hard to fill that role.  I now fear that is the reason why I hated competitive sports as a child and teenager.  When I watch my New York Giants, I am stunned with shameful thoughts of wondering, “Maybe that coulda’ been me.”  The knowledge I lacked in my younger years about professional sports, are to be completely blamed on him.  I wish we were able to watch football like most of the boys in my neighborhood did on Sundays with their fathers.  I loved our discussions of Michael Jordan, that were never face-to-face, but always over the phone, I remember when the phone calls stopped, I was a teenager.  In my most vulnerable moldable years he was stomping the streets of brick city forgetting his past, as I was trying so hard to learn to be a man and foresee my future.  My heart was hardened to fathers.  The idea of the strength of a man was far from home to me.  Being surrounded by women is something that I had to cling to.  Years went by with close to no contact with my father, the man who watched me spring out of my mother’s womb, gone.  I am the man’s only son, how can one let go of that.  When I think of all his let downs the biggest one is that I have learned nothing from him.

All of these things I say to destroy his already small statured reputation are now the things that bring me joy to who this man is.  You see I had a self-realization moment a few years ago around the brink of me deciding I wanted to get married.  How can I be a husband or a good father with no contact with my own?  How can I have kids and them not have any clue who there Grandfather is or where their roots dwell?  My heart broke at the reality of this idea.  I needed to have this relationship, I needed to tell him about my needs, cares, and how our future didn’t need to be but was going to be.  This conversation was a pivotal moment in our relationship.  It was a bit of a shocker for him, catching him off guard with the words that his boy (who is now a man) loaded in his shotgun of love and aimed straight at his chest.  His defeated demeanor and shaky voice was riddled with something I needed from him, Hope.  Hope of a future.  Hope of a relationship.  Hope of a father.  Hope for a son.  I wasn’t looking for instant gratification, not just an “I love you and care for you” then to go back to the way it was.  I needed his concern, and to hear the sound of his voice more often than what I was hearing.  I needed him to try.

This conversation was over 2 yeas ago.  I can’t say that he is the best father ever, or the most amazing male figure in my life, but I can say he is trying.  Although it is likely he may never be either one of those things, I still find an overwhelming amount of joy that I hear from him every week or two since then.  His effort is what makes me understand now why I love him.   I would think to myself in earlier years why I love this man so much, I think it is just that God-given love mechanism that we have that makes us love our family whether we like them or not.  I burst with a prideful scream now that I actually have a reason to love him.  Understanding why I actually love my father is a new feeling that is very hard for me to express, instead of thinking of all his horrible traits and terrible habits, I instantly think, the man is trying.  I also have come to grips that I hate the term “Typical Black Man.”  I have many friends of many different races and back rounds and I can only claim two or three of them with fathers that are better off than my own.  So perhaps we should say “Typical Man?”  If so I refuse to take refuge in that title, I will not be that man.  I’ve learned too much from my father to end up that way.

This brings me to realize that I have learned things from my father.  I have learned what it is that I should not do when dealing with my wife and my children.  I have learned that I must lean on higher powers instead of substances.  My favorite lesson so far is that I have learned to maintain hope, and that people can be resilient, he is showing me much resilience in his reparation of our relationship.  I pray this will or is leaking over to my siblings, if not I hope they can have the conversation that they need to have with our father for it has been much more of a blessing than a curse.  I realize I have inherited things from him.  I am a drummer like he, my love for music is almost as large as my love for my life, my favorite sneaker is New Balance, and I as well have a heart to be resilient in my relationship with him.  They may not be deep or very monumental but I still find that these things are far from coincidental.

Do you think God intended some children to have relationships with their parents like this?  Do you see beauty is repaired relationships although there was a lot of years of hurt?  Could you respect a parent in the way God wants you too if you are or could have been in a similar situation?  Thoughts, cares, concerns and discussion are appreciated…

I am making a short documentary for school about a subject that interested me and everyone else in my class.  It’s working title is “We Love Everyone” it’s about two generations of the same modern christian family and their personal feelings on homosexuality.  I kind of had a hypothesis in my head about what the outcome would be.  I thought that the older generation would be less accepting towards the idea and the younger would be more accepting.  I was wrong.  They both shared the same amount of acceptance as each other.  What I got out of this is, that is doesn’t really have to do some much with the generational gap and modern man being more used to the idea of homosexuality but it has to do with the family altogether and their influence and thought.  They all had the same idea, which was they don’t condone homosexuality but they will love and try to relate and understand people on a personal level even in their differences.  It was refreshing to me, because we are required by God and as Christians to love thy neighbor.  Not love thy neighbor if he is straight, or white, or rich, or ugly.  Love they neighbor altogether.  The documentary has been a very refreshing thing for me, to see that as Christians there are families that don’t judge outright, they are willing to love despite flaws or feelings, or sex, or orientation.  I think that is what we are supposed to do.  Do you think that this is what we are supposed to do as well?  Do you think that homosexuals have a place in heaven?  Do you think that you love the way that we are commanded to, despite differences?  I love people, and I hope they love me like I love them…

I wrote this blog on Monday January 2nd 2006…please read with the idea in mind that I was a single 22 year old boy…please read the excerpt that follows.

New years, pretty good time.  I am starting to realize though as I get older the whole idea of New Years is losing its Love.  I think its pretty sad too.  Its just not as exciting as it was when you were a kid.  Its just doesnt seem to be the same anymore, next year I want to try to make it more like it is and it was when you are younger.

In the year 2006 I am gonna…

Try to take a road trip across the US.

Start a band.

Finally pick somewhere to go to college (i’ll take suggestions).

Finally get to Africa.

If not Africa go backpacking in Europe with, you know who you are.

Possibly work one more summer at camp(I’m getting really old for this).

Somehow find a way to live with Daniel Lee for a period of time in hopes to become heavily inspired by who he is so I can write a story and a movie about it.

Try not to fall in love with a female just for this year(who am I kidding).

Try not to be so cynical and sarcastic.

try not to wear white after labor day(This comment already makes me fail to meet the above comment).

Become friends with someone that has no friends.

Visit Texas.

Somehow make a Large sum of money and Donate it to people who need it, but i mean people who actually really need it.

Meet Jim Carrey somehow.

Makeout with Salma Hayek somehow.

Start a dance pop band.

Take a whole lot more pictures.

And finally….Become President.

Its weird though, because This is the New Year and I dont feel any different….

Why do you suppose we make lists of things we need to do in our lives?  I love looking back at this list although only 4 years ago it seems like decades.  I was in a much different situation back then and most of the things on that list I did not get completed.  Now that I am older and married It’s funny how the juvenile things I did when I was younger seem now.  I thought these list were important and defined who I was and who I was going to be.  What it comes down to is…God is going to have you do the things on his list, not ours.  I think it is very important to have goals, and if you feel you need to list them, then definitely do so.  As far as making lists with sometimes outrageous things on them (see above list) I think it is more necessary to ask God, what he wants you to do this year, instead of planning it out yourself.  I have made a ton of lists like this and most times I never meet half of no less all of them.  On that list above I remeber that year I only did 2 things, the first thing was Go to camp one more summer, I did do that again, the next thing was I visited Texas to see my friend at the time, who is now my wife.  I didn’t need a list for those things to happen.  I’m glad they did though.  I don’t think lists are stupid, in some cases I think they are fun, but a lot of times the list can have ideas on them that are a bit hard to reach.  Do you think lists like these are important?  Do you think I was stupid or ignorant for doing such a list like this?  Do you think you could ask God what he wants you to do instead of trying to plan it yourself?

“You would have opened the door if I was a white man” the man shouted.  I looked at him like he was a ghost.  I humbly stated “What do you mean sir?”  He looks at me like I am nothing and says, “If I was a white man you would have opened that door for me.”  I froze for a moment thinking.  It’s currently 9:00am which is corporate allowed time to open the door of the place that I work.  I am in no means racist I am just following protocol.  How dare he say that when he knows nothing about me.  Should I say anything back, or should I just say something dumb like “No, Sir” or “Not at all” either way, I started to get really upset.  Then I thought about what I stand for and where I’m from.  I thought about my father, who is a black man.  I thought about my mother who is a white woman who told me to stand up for what I believe in.  I couldn’t remain silent, so I started softly explaining myself…”Sir I believe you are a child of God, and that I should treat you as I would want to be treated.  I would never open the door two minutes early for you, a white man, a chinese man, an indian man, or any other ethnicity or culture.  I don’t open the door early because in my job description I am told open the door at a specific time and close the door at a specific time.  Lastly, I am very hurt that you would tell me what I would do as if you know who I am.  My father whom I love dearly is a black man like you, so yes I am a black man like you as well, and even if my father was at the door I wouldn’t have opened it till 9am.  So please next time you want to accuse someone of racial profiling or racism, be sure it’s 100%.”  He was silent, he paid his bill and walked out of the store, slowly and silent as if he wanted to apologize.

This really happened to me, and I was very upset by what he said.  Now being an apathetic person I thought harder about it after he had left.  Maybe this man’s whole life, in many different situations, he had been treated poorly because of his skin.  In that case I can kind of understand where he is coming from, but yet I still believe he should really be sure of what he is saying to certain people.  I do understand why some people are sensitive to race issues, I for one have been poked fun at, or have had joked been tossed at me because I am bi-racial.  I know as I get older they bug me more and more, and as I stand up and say something I know that people are a little perturbed that I ask them not to make these jokes.  Should they be?  Should that man have had the right to say what he has said to me?  I think that as children of God a lot of us have lost the sensation of understanding.  We don’t understand other cultures because we surround ourselves with our own.  I do not think this is what God intended, do you?  If I were to challenge you to mix it up with another culture this week could you do it?  Let’s try…

My wife an I just bought a new car a couple days ago (hence why I am a little late blogging this week.)  This car can be looked at as a status symbol, but believe it or not that is not why we bought the thing.  We bought it because it’s a car that we both have always dreamed about having (because they are beautiful, and it’s strange when we both like something to this magnitude, for we are pretty oppositional when it comes to a lot of preferences) and it was at a price that was so unbeatable that we had to snag it.  One of the things that the car dealer tried to sell us on was the fact that when people see us in this vehicle, they think highly of you, or of your status.  In my mind I could care less, I just want a car that is awesome and in my budget.  This partially goes with the idea of my previous post about people stereotyping at first glance, do people ultimately judge your status or persona or life by the car you drive?  This is yet another thing that I would rather not fall victim of, but sometimes when I see a 200,000 dollar Bentley on the road I can’t help to think you have to have money in order to have a car like that.  It’s funny how people do crave to have an elite status and some will go to the length of buying “elite” things.  I think what truly matters whether you are rich or poor is what you have inside your heart not your wallet.  It’s sort of shameful that in car sales tactics, they do use the idea of the car “enhancing” your status.  The only status I truly worry about is my status with the almighty in Heaven.  Do you think it is important to have nice things?  Do you think it is a proper assessment to judge someone by the model of their car?  Do you think that any of the things we have actually matter in this life?  How often do you worry about your status in society?

A couple of days ago a co-worker and I were discussing that he learned in a sociology class that everyone stereotypes the moment they see someone of a different race than themselves.  He said it’s just something that we all just do whether we like it or not.  I told him that I did not believe that it is something that everyone does, because believe it or not I do not do that.  It may be because I am bi-racial (my mother is italian and my dad is black) but when I see someone I do not think about their socio-economic status, or what neighborhood they live in.  I don’t think about what kind of car they drive, and how they acquired the money to get it.  I don’t think about where they got their jeans, or why their teeth or so white.  I don’t think about their skin color.  When I stated this to my co-worker, he changed his statement and said that maybe not EVERYONE does this but most of us do.  This was mind boggling to me because I honestly did not think the average person did that.  According to sociology they do.  Now I admit unfortunately I do make character stabs at people by the strength of their handshake, or whether they look me in the eyes or not, and I don’t think that is always fair, but I did not think people did that according to race right off the bat.  This may seem naive but I would hope that people did not do that as much as sociology claims they do.  I know there are people out there that do not like people of opposing skin color or ethnicity, and religion but I didn’t think the majority of people judge a person’s life by first sight.  How would you feel if you knew all the things people thought about you at first glance without knowing anything about you?  Do you think it is fair that we do this to people even though they don’t know what you are thinking?  Do you think this is an activity that God would want us to engage in?

I’ve recently had to study the art of Michelangelo Caravaggio, and to those of you that don’t know art this is NOT the same Michelangelo that painted the Sisteen Chapel or the one that is named after the Ninja Turtle.  This Michelangelo more known just as Caravaggio is the dark, tortured, tainted, and flawed follower of Christ with an amazing skill at painting.  He lived from about 1571-1610 and was known as a brilliant artist that painted dark and controversial paintings.  He was a bit of an indulgent, he gambled, and drank often and spent his time with what people now a days would call “low lives.”  Back in the day artists would mostly paint religious pieces commissioned by a church or some sort of  insanely rich ruler, Caravaggio painted for freedom, and for the church because he had been convicted of murdering a man and used his skills of painting to get him out of trouble (which if you study more about Caravaggio he has done this multiple time in his life.)  One of his last pieces he painted was of David and Goliath, the reason why I am speaking of this and why it stands out to me is because it is very dark (like most of his pieces) and very graphic.  If you take a look at the painting on the left you will see David holding the head of Goliath, but the interesting thing about Goliath is, Goliath is a self portrait of Caravaggio.  Caravaggio put himself in as the head of Goliath.  Some people say it’s because he was looking for Atonement from the church for his sins.  I see it more as symbolism, that we are all in some way like Goliath and we are all capable of serious evil.  Caravaggio did indeed do some evil stuff, but he was a man who feared God, just not man.  God LOVES to use flawed men, it’s something that he does often in the Bible.  The beautiful thing about God is that he is forgiving, but we are still responsible for our wrong doings.  The beautiful thing about being a christian is, that we get to try to be like Jesus, which is hard but something I love to try to do, with my strengths and with my flaws.  Do you think that this art is good or bad?  Do you feel as though we even as God fearing christians can do and sometimes will do things that are evil or are against God’s will?  What do you think Caravaggio could have been saying?  What does this mean to you?  I think I am capable of anything, especially when I am thinking of God first and striving to be more like Jesus.  Do you think Caravaggio was fully concerned during some of his darkest times, of being more like Jesus?  Just some things to thing about, and some exploration of old world art.  Look up some more Caravaggio it’s brilliant stuff, some of my favorites are:  The Doubting of Thomas, and The Calling of Matthew.

As a teen and until now there was a band that stood out in my catalog, the one I listened to the most, the one I connected to the best…My Favorite band.  Now when I was a teen favorite bands were important, they proved who you were, it was common for someone to ask “What’s your favorite band?” or “Who are you listening to right now?”  As if the answer to those questions would let you deeply understand who I was.  The band for me was Sunny Day Real Estate, and I do believe that most of you probably have no clue who they are.  Well to me they were the world, everything I had ever wanted in music, although the band themselves were deeply unstable, with a few break ups here and there, they were a beacon for me to rely on in the “harsh, dark and cruel world” of high school.  Excuse my cynicism but when I think about it now in retrospect, I find it tremendously comical.  The lead singer of Sunny Day Real Estate’s name is Jeremy Enigk.  He was my role model, he was someone I looked up to without ever meeting him or knowing him deeply.  The only thing I knew deeply was his music and his biography which I had read on the internet.  Enigk found Jesus somewhere around the realease of the band’s second album in 1995.  This caused some drama in the band because Enigk’s vision changed, the band broke up and reunited about 4 times in the next 6 or 7 years, till about 2002 when they said they were done for good.  Fortunately for me I was able to see them when I was 17 in 2000, which was the best show I had seen at that time.

This past year in October of 2009, I had the wonderful opportunity of hearing that Sunny Day was back together again for the millionth time.  At this point in my life I realized that Sunny Day wasn’t what it used to be for me.  I realized that music isn’t what made me who I am, although I did realize this years prior it just hit me hard when I found out Sunny Day was touring again.  Their tour did come through Houston, so I went with my brother in-law and a close friend of mine from Jersey to see the show.  We got there early thinking the show would be jammed packed with people.  There was no one there at all when we got there except Jeremy Enigk by his tour bus smoking a cigarette.  I saw him as I was parking my car and screamed out loud like a little girl.  I parked the car fast and walked fast to the tour bus where he still was by himself smoking a cigarette.  I approached him with a smile and said “I just wanted to say hi and let you know i’m excited to see the show.”  He looked at me a little surprised that I even knew who he was.  He then smiled bashfully and shuck my hand and said “Hello.”  I asked him how long he has been in Houston and he responded by saying he was there all day and he went to a karate school and watched people practice karate through a window.  We took a picture together and then I walked off.  After that experience I realized the man that I considered my role model in my teenage years just talked to me about watching kids do karate.  Was he really my role model?  Or was I just being cool?  I could not figure out why he was a role model besides the fact that he was in my favorite band and he loved Jesus.  Not that he isn’t a good guy because he shares his soul in his music and he is incredibly spiritual and talented, I just realized I didn’t know anything about him personally to really asses why he would by my role model.  I think this happens more often then we think.  Our real role models a lot of times aren’t in our music or movies, but they are in our homes and classrooms.  As cliche and corny as that last sentence sounds, I think it is true, because after 26 years of life I realize that my mother is my role model…she is the person I want to use as model of who I want to become.  Who is your role model?  Is there a famous or not so famous person that you think may be your role model?  Why is this person your role model?  Btw that is a picture of Jeremy Enigk and I in Houston, he was a lot smaller than I expected.

Sunny Day Real Estate albums to Listen to:

Diary

How it feels to be something on (my favorite)

Jeremy Enigk solo albums to listen to:

Return of the Frog Queen

Ok Bear (my favorite, just released last year)

I just recently watched “The Book of Eli” which was a wonderful thing considering the first few movies I watched in this short while into 2010 have not been so good.  This movie was very good.  I’m a sucker for stories, and the story line of this film was so intriguing and spiritual, and not what I was expecting.  The plot of the film (which I will no go into acute detail for the sake of not spoiling the movie for those of you who have not seen it yet) is set in post apocalyptic Earth and the story follows a man (Denzel Washington) that feels he is called to take the last Bible in existence West where there is talk of a civilized society that is trying to restore humanity.  It shows his struggles of making his way westward, without actually having any clue where to go and the trials and tribulations that are in his way, such as people trying to steal from him and kill him for the book.  The movie is highly violent but riddled with spiritual Under and Overtones and for the sake of ruining the story I will end the plot description here.

What I took away from this movie is something that most probably should have.  The main point to me was to follow God’s lead blindly.  Without question, without complaint, we are called to follow Him, even if we don’t understand.  It kind of put that back into perspective to me for sometimes we forget that we are not the ones who should question the Lord, which we all do daily.  God uses people in so many ways even when we don’t understand.  Such as why did God chose two men (Allen and Albert Hughes) to direct “The Book of Eli” that have no real belief or faith in their lives currently, and it’s a movie based on believing in faith and spiritual guidance?  I think it’s because God knew they were best fit for it.  Either way it’s not for us to question.  If you were to be put in a position where you were supposed to blindly go somewhere without knowing where you would end, would you have the courage to do so without complaint, questioning or complete understanding for Gods will?  What feelings would have if you were told to go west and keep moving until you find what it is you are looking for?