My child’s enemy
One of my children is grounded.
A little bit ago, I had to remind my child that the plans being made did not take into consideration that grounding. My child began talking to me like I was an enemy. So, I said, “You are talking to me like I am your enemy.” (I thought it was a profound statement that would change the course of our conversation.)
My child said, “I feel like you are my enemy.”
I wisely responded, “You should challenge those feelings.”
My child replied, “I think my feelings are right.”
There was nothing left to do (nothing I was smart enough to figure out) but to walk out of the conversation as my child tried to justify the accusation against me.
In so many other circumstances I have been able to help my child work through feelings and embrace each other in love.
Now, we are ignoring each other. I don’t think I could continue the conversation in any productive way. At least not right now. I still don’t know what I would say even if I weren’t feeling so terribly hurt.
I know what I want God to do. I want Him to convict my child; to bring the injustice of the accusation to light; to break my child’s heart and lead my child to a humble contrite apology.
This is not a made up experience being used to illustrate how we sometimes think of God as our enemy. I wish it were. Instead, I am a professional counselor who (at this moment) has no idea how to respond to this emotional, relational, and spiritual situation.
My one comforting thought is that this is not the first time I’ve been in this type of situation; Hurt, not knowing how to respond. The other times? Some ended well. Others – not. Yet, God remains with me.
May 17th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
Honest.
I’m wondering how many times i’ve been at this place as well. I’m also wondering how many times my mother was at this place and what was it that made the hurt which was a by product of our dysfunction at times- just go away when time was up on our relationship. What I mean is, what is it that keeps some people in loving relationships despite hurtful fights such as what you’re describing- and what is it that sends people over the edge to where their relationship is defined by the hurt. My mother and I had exchanges like the one in your entry, and yet our relationship at the time of her passing was defined by respect and compassion. It was deep love. My father, on the other hand- hasn’t spoken to many in his family in many years. They have hurt each other- and it isn’t worth continuing the pain to them.
Its it just a commitment to stay? is it a belief in the deeper good on the inside of the other person or the fact that they are God’s child keep people “in the house” when it all goes “to hell?”
is it just time- even if you continue to disagree, where the feeling of “you are my enemy” wears off? why won’t some people allow that to happen? Wait- I’m supposed to know the answers to this stuff….
May 24th, 2010 at 10:15 am
For what it’s worth — it sounds like there is the possibility that your child is learning to stand on both feet in a relationship even when the pieces don’t fit together right. You didn’t rescue to make him/her to make things feel better, and he or she didn’t cave to get their way or to make you feel better. Sometimes we just have to learn that we can handle bad feelings and bad situations even when we can’t fix them very well. That is an unusual lesson for kids (or adults!) to learn these days. And actually, your story is an inspiration for me. Too many parents in our generation (myself included) don’t trust that their children can find their way if given the space to do so.