Larry met his wife at the door when she returned from her time volunteering at the church.  He knew that she would have some emotions saved up from the event to “process with him”.  Often she would be angry at someone who did/didn’t do/said/didn’t say something right.  Larry had learned not to try to calm his wife or redirect her feelings.  Nothing would help her except for her to see him take on her feelings.  She needed him to feel what she felt in order to fell validated in her own feelings or to feel cared for by Larry.

Larry’s wife is a Type A codependent, and Larry had become a safe harbor for her by developing his own codependency; Type B – “It is my job to care for you.”

In counseling with Larry’s wife I have to walk a delicate line.  I provoke her anxiety by at times disagreeing with her perspectives and challenging her emotional responses.  At other times I comfort her by assuring her of the value of her thinking and feeling.  Back and forth goes our dance; Comforting and provoking, provoking and comforting.   She is never sure which she will receive from me.  When she gets frustrated with this process she will sometimes threaten to quit counseling.  I comfort her by assuring her that I would miss her and I wish she would continue.  At other times, she may say that she is ready to leave counseling due to the growth and healing she has experienced.  Then I will provoke her by stating goals I think she has yet to achieve.

In other words, I will honor any decision she makes but I will not validate her thinking and feelings when I believe they are unhealthy.  I will not play the codependent game.  Still, I will enjoy and love Larry’s wife.

One of our next goals together is for Larry’s wife to express the frustrations she has about me to me; not to Larry.  This is a scary process for Larry’s wife.   I’ve told her that I won’t talk with Larry about her frustrations with me.  Thus, frustrating both Larry and his wife and throwing a kink in their mutual codependency.

If Larry and his wife continue in counseling it will be because they see value in how I relate to them.  THEN, I can coach them further on how to change their relationship with each other.  Pray for us!